It was my privilege to interview Mara from Oleoptene for The Great Interview experiment, please visit her blog when you have a chance, she is quite fantastic!
What has blogging helped you realize?
Blogging has been, more than anything else, this empowering experience of realizing I don’t have to wait for anyone else to tell me that I am a writer.
Initially, when I started blogging there was this fear of having my words out there, of being seen through this one-way glass and not being very sure of how I was being seen or if I wanted to be seen, feeling so vulnerable, and then there was this stage of admiring all of the brilliant blogs out there and thinking “Well, if I can’t write like that, why write at all?” and finally in the last year, it’s been this experience of not being in competition because there is no limited resource to compete for, the Internet is as big as everyone using it.
The reason I jumped when I saw Neal’s Great Interview Experiment was feeling just excited at being able to participate even more directly in this huge conversation. My husband is a geek/early adopter, and I remember trying to catch up with his understanding of the internet in 1995. We were both caught up with the idea of all the content that could be generated by individuals everywhere. And then, all of the sudden, the internet was about shopping. And yet, somehow, they way we are using it now, as a social network and new medium, is so much better than what I ever dreamed of ten years ago.
What does Oleoptene mean? (I tried looking it up and failed)
Because it is not in any of the on-line dictionaries I have found in the last year except as an alternative spelling to eleoptene, which is only used by chemists to describe certain molecules! But back when I was an office peon I entertained myself by writing cool words and their definitions on sticky notes and illustrating them and sticking them up around my cubicle. It was an architectural planning office and so I got lots of architectural words, but somewhere I cam across oleoptene and jotted it down as being a Greek-derived word for having wings. It fit well with the my anthem that year, New Grass Revival’s “When the Storm is Over.” Still, when I wanted to buy my own domain name it was available, and it works better than “Defenestration.com” would have (had to look it up, and, yep, that’s taken).
What is your musical background, and what is the one instrument you long to know how to play?
Besides two unsuccessful rounds of piano lessons, I took violin lessons from fourth grade until high school graduation, with a switch to viola my senior year of high school because the orchestra teacher thought I needed to be challenged. Lots of being sent into a room by myself with the instrument and a timer to keep track of how much time I had to practice, something I do not do at all with my kids — I practice with them what needs practicing, what it feels like they are capable of practicing, maybe ten minutes one day, maybe forty-five on another. I also played in my youth symphony which was wonderful in lots of ways and not so wonderful in drilling into my head that there is really only room for one violinist to be the best in the orchestra and that the hierarchy of chairs matters a lot. I think this sucked the joy out of it enough that except for the odd duet or trio here and there I put the instruments away until my oldest son was in fourth grade and started doing suzuki cello and I could play the accompaniments and be a beginner again with him. Making music with someone else, even, or maybe especially, one of your kids, is just another way to connect and have conversation.
What is ALWAYS in your pantry? Refrigerator?
Tomato sauce. We do a lot of homemade pizzas, with everyone getting to do their own little individual one to meet their own preferences — the vegan husband puts on soy cheese, the small people generally prefer not to put vegetables on theirs (and are more likely to eat something they have participated in making themselves.) There is always milk in the refrigerator because I need it in my coffee, and I need my coffee in the morning.
What is the first book you remember reading front to back?
Ouch, this shouldn’t be hard to answer but it is. My mother and sometimes my father read out loud to us every night before bed until long after we were able to read to ourselves, and all the books they read out loud and the ones I read to myself were such complete immersions it’s hard to keep it all chronological. I have vivid memories of Watership Down and Little Women and all of the Little House on the Praire Books, and older, The Dragonriders of Pern… But early childhood memory of reading, I can take myself back to a copy of Pippi Longstockings while hanging out at an office where my father was constructing cabinets.
What is one book that shook you to your foundation and why?
Annie Dillard’s Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. The language, the observations, the musing on the cosmic implications of it all were so powerful. Her voice is stuck in my head.
Can you talk a bit about Bahá’í faith? What is it that brought you to it?
The Bahá’í faith is a world religion which has as its most basic idea the assertion that all of the major world religions worship the same God and have the spiritual core ideas. No one religion is more ‘right’ than another because they share one common faith. The differences that do exist, the different laws and practices are the response to the needs of humanity in its different stages of development.
I grew up in a Bahá’í family, which isn’t enough by itself to make one a Bahá’í — my sister is not so enamoured of the organized religion thing, so while she is one of the most spiritual and ethical people I know she doesn’t call herself a Bahá’í. But one of the principles of the religion is that every individual has the obligation to investigate the truth for herself, not to follow for the sake of tradition or pleasing those around you. There is a lot in the Bahá’í faith that makes perfect sense to me intellectually — about the equality of women and men, the agreement of religion and science, the basic oneness of the human race, but I did enough philosophy in college to know that there is more to falling in love with a religion than intellectual agreement; honestly, I think I am a Bahá’í because it really is what I need to make it through the world, a sense of there being a picture much bigger than myself, an obligation to participate as much as I can in whatever ways I can in making the world a better place.
Winter or Summer?
Totally winter. I hate being hot. Not a fan of allergies and colds, but would prefer those to being hot, sweaty, sticky. Love living in Portland where neither summer nor winter gets too extreme.
What is in your CD player right now? (or playing on your MP3 player if applicable)
The Weepies. They just make me happy.
Is there a piece of music/song/album that never gets old for you?
I definitely need variety of kinds of music and artists for different moods and moments, the idea of only one kind of music makes me cringe — some bluegrass, some of the ’80’s alternative I grew up with, some classical, some of the great bands out of Portland now, all need to be in the mix. I go back to lots of different periods of my life through music — Shawn Colvin, Lyle Lovett, and some Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong duets on the CD player all the time when we lived in Prague and I was home with my newborn first son, the Jan Garbarek and Dead Can Dance CD’s I associate with dating my husband… none of it has gotten old yet.
How about an impromptu Haiku?
You want a haiku?
Well, for you, I’ll try, I guess
It is impromptu.
What good things do video games bring to your family?
Um, healthy debate? It is a way my husband and sons connect, which I appreciate and respect and really don’t get too involved in, so long as it is a moderate thing. I hate that they (all of them!) can get so sucked in that they forget about eating, getting dressed, etc., and everyone is crabby after too much time. But I guess it does work, the four boys have worked out ways to share and make it work for all of them, and they do interact, and will, no doubt, have skills with technology that far outstrip not just my own, but also their father’s.
You are at the movies, what do you choose from the concession stand?
Milk duds.
Community or keep to yourselves? Are there things you would like to change with how you do or don’t interact with your community?
Community. It’s a complicated thing, the question of how much you conform, how much you give of yourselves. Just being a family takes a lot of time, and nothing in my life works if the marriage is not given a certain amount of priority, time for us to communicate and work together, but being a part of the various communities we’ve landed in in Portland — through the geek scene, the Baha’is, and the kids’ schools, add so much to our lives. In the last couple of months I’ve absolutely fallen in love with Twitter (wwww.twitter.com). The little updates on what people, many of them fellow PDXers, are doing and thinking throughout the day so cut the isolation that can be a major part of being a stay-at-home parent, and it isn’t time-consuming or requiring a lot of energy and thought, but I notice people offering consolation to someone who has gotten bad news or congratulations to someone who has gotten some recognition, being silly and having running jokes that are inclusive and community-creating and I feel so lucky.
Describe one of the best meals you have ever had (it can be because of the food or company).
After our very small wedding, which was basically parents, siblings, the string quartet my sister played in, the friend who made a wedding cake and a couple aunts and uncles and my grandparents, we went to a little crepe restaurant in the Old Town part of Albuquerque. The crepes were great, and the feeling of all the people we loved most coming together to celebrate with us and support us was tangible as we shared a meal
You are allowed only 1 board game, which will it be and why?
Scrabble. Maybe. I have a few friends that I have had a running conversation with over Scrabulous on Facebook for months and months now, as soon as one game is over we start another. It really is about the conversation, but I am developing some scrabble skills despite resolutely declaring that I will always pick the elegant word over the point-scoring word, so I stand little chance at being a competitive Scrabble player. It’s hard to look at words as meaningless collections of letters, and I have fantasies of combination scrabble/ouija boards where the words come together to mean something about the people playing.
Name one endearing trait of each person in your immediate family, including yourself and any pets.
Raven, my husband, is generous, and it comes out with how he treats everyone, and the way he gives me graceful outs when I am being unbearably grumpy.
Aodan, our first-born, is so earnest and ethical and thinks so hard about justice and what is right that he inspires me to try to keep doing better.
Xander, our second born, is so good at taking care of the feelings of those around him that I sometimes worry about him, except that it is balanced by a very strong sense of himself, and he takes care of himself too.
Soren, son number three, is painfully extroverted. He charms adults everywhere with his friendliness and cheerfulness and wants to meet and talk to everyone, which has really stretched me to learn to be friendlier.
Rainer, our youngest, is so loyal to all of his brothers — their coming home from school is the highlight of his day. He isn’t the native extrovert that Soren is, but worships Soren so much that he will also stand on the front porch and greet pedestrians on our busy street. He will recite everyone’s favorite colors and interests and wants to make sure all of his brothers are getting their fair shares.
Bella, the one-eyed cat , is charmingly diffident. She clearly wants to keep track of us and wants to be where we are, just as long as none of us oversteps our bounds and, say, tries to pet her. But then she’ll sleep on Aodan’s bed. We admire her independence, and since Raven and I are both mildly allergic to cat hair, it’s probably just as well she isn’t always trying to get in our laps.
Me? I think too much, but I also think I am pretty funny, and I am getting much better at being ok with making mistakes. That isn’t one trait is it? Raven suggests optimism, which I like.
In your parenting style you shy away from reward systems like stickers, what works/worked for your family instead of this? (because don’t I need help in this department!)
We have tried everything, and I have done the magnetic charts at certain stages for certain daily routine things to help the boys keep track themselves of the things they needed to get done. I hope I don’t sound too prescriptive in my blog, because I think what works is important, as long as you’re taking into account some of the subtler messages that come with it (you get chocolate cake for eating broccoli, for example, suggests that broccoli is an ordeal to be rewarded, and that chocolate cake is a reward). I try to emphasize the things that are going right using a fair amount of ‘virtue’ language — it was generous to give that to your brother, I like your curiosity, way to go on the perseverance, keeping trying until you got that part of the song that was hard for you right. One of the more frequent issues around here is sibling conflict, and if I step in with words to help, I have to see both sides of it, “It sounds like you’re frustrated he knocked down the blocks. What words could you use to tell him? And you, are you knocking down the blocks because you’re mad at him, or is it just fun knocking them down?” I’ve been warned not to TELL them what they are feeling but even the act of coming up with some ideas of what feelings might be going on helps keep me from responding with a big emotional response of my own, most of the time. The thing is, when everything is working right, when we’re pulling together, that is a reward in and of itself, and it doesn’t seem necessary to add a bunch of extrinsic rewards on top of that.
What aspirations do you have as a writer? How far do you want to take your writing?
Oh, the scary question! I did NaNoWriMo this year for the first time because it scared me, and I wanted to deflate that fear a little, and I discovered that the writing everyday thing felt good, felt right. I haven’t started editing and re-writing because I am frightened of discovering that it was all awful or that re-working one of the sections I knew didn’t work will be like pulling out a card from a house of cards and the whole thing will collapse. But I think in my head I have always identified as a writer. I am not sure if I am a fiction writer or not, but I think as the boys get a little older and I start having whole mornings to myself and full nights of sleep, it’s what I want to explore, and I am grateful that my husband is supportive of it.
Would you be willing to have each family member write down something they love about you and share the answers with your readers?
Four members of the family are asleep right now (that’s when I usually get to write) and I am not going to pull out ten years worth of block-printed Mother’s Day cards that come home from school where the teacher has prompted one of my sons who says “I love my mom because she cooks for me.” But those are really cute. I ask Raven and he says, “Didn’t I already say optimism? How about compassion.” There it is. Oh, wait, there’s the note my son Xander made for me one day when he realized I was having a rough day, compiling answers to that question from everyone –
You have an amazing sense of humor - Aodán
You’re lovable - Rainer
You are nice - Søren
You ‘re wonderful at taking care of us - your husband
You are the coolest mom in the world. I have always looked up to you. We will love you forever. You are funny, loving , and understanding - Xander
